so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
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Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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