Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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