these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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