did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
