god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
