...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
