Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
