God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
420 ftw
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
