i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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