I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
