theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
