It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
