Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
