I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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