And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
