My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Randomize
