Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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