He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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