Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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