its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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