Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
