I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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