he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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