You don't have asthma, your pregnant
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
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The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
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Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.