How is your vagina???
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.