I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
