ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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