you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
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I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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