I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
