i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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