ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
