What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
