I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
