Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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