playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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