Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
