So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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