Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
