Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
