Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
