So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
