I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Two words: blizzard sex
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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