Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
