I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
