why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
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