What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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