My sheets look like a crime scene.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Dick very happy bro
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
