Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I hope mine doesn't look like that
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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