Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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