ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
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