Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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