yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You're a waste of cheezeits
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
