He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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