watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
