The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
