I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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